Abort ? Retry ? Ignore ?

I know, I've been hiding. I've been so frustrated with the whole lack of progress in the 'church planting process' that I haven't blogged anything, because I had nothing positive to say, and haven't even been sure I want to plant a church anyway. . . . not that I'm real positive right now, or I have much clarity, but I'm ready to be honest about what is happening and how I am feeling about it all.

When Joe last posted (in May!), I thought we had had a breakthrough. My pastor had told me he was waiting for us to be approved and assessed before he would bless us and let us 'go public' with the vision for Streams of Grace. Until then, I did not have his permission to distribute prayer cards or invite people from the congregation over to share our vision, or to begin meeting with a small group. I was waiting for the official denominational assessment (which of course, took forever to set up.) So I waited, and waited, and waited.

Once we had the official okay, I hoped we could go before the congregation of our church and share what God is calling us to, ask people to pray for us, and invite people to consider partnering with us. All I ever wanted was a blessing - with words of encouragement, honor, and prophetic affirmation. To be truly 'sent' to do this thing.

But that wasn't happening, and I didn't know why not. I wasn't ever expecting any financial support from this church - the vision God gave me is too different from the vision for that church for the pastor to really embrace, (and besides, it wasn't his vision.) But I felt it was more than a philosophical difference, and more than administrative slowness that was blocking us. I felt unwanted, ignored and dumped.

The frustration increased after Joe and I organized a major event which was to be hosted by the church. The resistance and drama from the 'office staff' was a complete shock - and I was blamed for creating problems with the staff. Although the concert was great, the art exhibit was pretty good, and over $14,000 dollars was raised for Habitat for Humanity, the event was judged 'not successful' and 'not worth it' by our pastor. He never even said 'thank you.'
According to him, my frustration was a warning that I had some 'issues' that made him really hesitate to approve my calling. (I pushed too hard with the office staff, came on too strong with ideas that would promote this ministry and the kick-off event and I was too upset when things that the church had committed to were not done, or withdrawn at the last minute.) I acknowledged all that pushiness, and I apologized. I explained it also had a lot to do with my extreme frustration at the lack of progress with the church planting process, that I was still waiting for a green light from him to begin what he 'sent' me to do 6 months earlier.

And then I went home and wept, hard, locked in my closet. A blessing was not just something that was stalled, now he wasn't so sure about blessing us at all. I don't know why I wanted it or needed it so much - but it truly broke my heart that night in May. I waited long, worked hard and submitted to the process. And, not for the first time in my life, I was being told I am too strong. So its not the vision, its not the administrative process, its me. Something wrong with me.


I felt like quitting, giving up, abandoning the dream, saying "No, God. I can't do this." I have been seriously considering aborting this 'baby.'

the past 2 months, at least, have felt like sitting in front of the computer staring at this error message:

and seriously considering Abort as the best option.


I know that if I kill this vision, it is like a suicide as well - a huge part of who I am ans what makes my heart beat and my mind soar is wrapped up in the vision and calling God has put in me.

I know that if decide to quit now, that choice would be based on frustration and fear and lack of approval from man, not on faith. But I already said I don't have enough faith for this.

I know God loves me no matter what I do or don't do - I'm not doing this for His approval or love. And Joe is with me either way.

If I abort now, nobody else risks their heart or time or money or dreams. If I quit before I start, I hurt like hell, but nobody else gets hurt. They don't get healed or blessed or set free or transformed by the amazing grace of God either - at least not by me, not by Streams of Grace.

So that's where I've been. . . hovering with my finger over the abort button - not clicking it, but not quite ready to Retry

I need to hear from God, (from my Father in heaven, not my pastor or any other man)
what HE wants me to do - and when - and with whom. So I'm praying. And still waiting.