Uncomfortable Wisdom

Every so often, pastors and teachers come up with a flash of insight that we instantly want to share. We enthuse, "That will preach!"

This isn't one of those times.

Yet what just came to me seems like wisdom and truth, uncomfortable and unwelcome as it feels. And I am going to share it anyway.

I was journaling this morning about how drained I feel after wrestling with controversial stuff in a conversation with a friend. I was thinking to myself that the struggle against injustice and the desire to do good should somehow feel better. Less draining, more of an adventure. And maybe it is energizing and fulfilling for him, but I just want to pull back from the battle, not jump in, give up before I even really start.
Here's my journal entry:

Concentrating on this issue doesn't draw me closer to God or fill me with hope.
Maybe it isn't supposed to.
Maybe the whole idea that if we are doing something good for the Kingdom of God, for the sake of others, that it will be joyful and fulfilling and grow our faith.
What if that isn't how it works? That that way of thinking works very effectively to keep people from doing the hard stuff-- the truly sacrificial, painful, but significant work that Christ Followers are called to do?
Maybe we minimize and deny the fact that there is pain and suffering and often no visible fruit or thank yous in the way of carrying our cross and following Jesus.

I trust that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing by planting a church now. I admit I am not doing it with all my heart and energy. I am honestly not feeling all the hope and joy and clarity that I would like to feel--that somehow I think I should feel so I have confirmation.
But maybe that isn't now it really works . . .

That would not "preach" well.

I've never ever heard anyone preach that you know what the right thing to do is, so do it! Even if you see no results, it feels painful, and you don't sense the presence and power of God. And do it with your whole heart, don't quit, and trust God even if you don't hear his voice.

That sounds like truth though. Hard truth. Truth for saints and martyrs and catholic monks. Truth that cuts against the grain of American Evangelical /Charismatic success-oriented and feel-good spirituality. Sounds like obedience in a season of desolation. Even without certainty or clarity, to walk and keep walking and trusting. Results or no, feelings or no. That sounds like FAITH.

I want to live with that kind of faith.
Well, to be perfectly honest, I want the life that feels joyful and energized and absolutely sure that God is active and with lots and lots of encouraging results. Of course I would prefer that. But what if that was never what God promised? What if all that was a sales pitch by churches that want us to buy in? By people who think that is what should get, because that's what we want-- so they preach it as a God-given need with a God-promised fulfillment? And maybe all of that is false advertising?

This is either really depressing, or really liberating.

It seems like we have this contemporary-christian-culture paradigm that is the opposite of a Puritanical mindset. From: 'If it feels good it must be sinful.' to: 'If it is from God, it must feel good.' Is there a third way? Like: 'Sometimes the good thing to do feels great, and other times it hurts -- but that's not why you do good!'

I don't even know how to pray about this!
I want to look back into the stories in the scriptures with my 'evangelical-success-and-happiness' filter removed and see if this is so. That this IS how the Spirit of God works in people and in the world. That if I don't expect 'positive results' and 'emotional fulfillment' I will find that God often works without it! And having found that, my life and my message and my ministry would have to shift.

I would have to be all in, fully engaged, without expecting any of the "results".

Oh, Lord.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad