Comparison Trap

I know better than to go that way, but still . . .


I met Kathy Escobar on Sunday. She is a pastor, a blogger, an author, a mother and wife, a compassionate and beautiful human being. She was in town and shared some thoughts from her book, Down We Go, with our friends at EmDes (an emergent cohort.)

I wanted to get to know Kathy, learn as much as possible in a very short time, and hoped to begin a friendship. So I bought her book and asked her to have dinner after our group meeting. She was generous, curious, encouraging, open, wise, and a joy to be with! I asked her practical stuff, like how their church, The Refuge, does a different format for their gathering each week of the month (because I want Streams of Grace to do that). I asked her about personal stuff, like how it works for her to have a co-pastor who is not her husband, and a husband who is not a pastor (because I want that to work for us too).

Everything Kathy shared was real, and helpful. So I was hopeful and inspired. . . and terribly discouraged because I am just not like her.

Yes, I can be encouraged and frustrated at the same time. Because I get to know someone who is a little like me, which is rare and wonderful and gives me joy to know I'm not a complete anomaly in the Kingdom. But then I head down a dark alley of comparing myself to this person, and feeling like I am seriously deficient in several key areas.

I know better. I have been mugged in this dark alley before. I have repeatedly preached a sermon about how comparing ourselves to others leads to shame or pride and is a barrier to relationships. And yet my mind goes into that dangerous place where I see clearly all the qualities that I lack, and all the faults I have, compared to a distorted sense of Kathy Escobar's Mother-Teresa-compassion and successful-ministry-and-marriage. I feel disqualified to do what she does, and deficient in the ways she is gifted.

Which led me to questioning my calling (I can't plant a church), procrastinating on my ministry task for this week (prepare a sermon), a weird headache (maybe from coffee deprivation), and a bit of a shopping spree (bras and theology books).

The good news is, there's grace. I realized where I was heading and asked Jesus to get me out of there. I stopped focusing on what I don't have, and remembered the blessings I DO have. I stopped comparing myself to someone else, and asked Abba to remind me who I am, whose I am, and who I AM is.

I'm not Mother Teresa or Kathy Escobar, but I have the Same Holy Spirit in me that they do. And you do too. I have a unique and well-designed combination of gifts, experiences, qualities, and even deficiencies. And so do you. I can do good, create beauty, speak grace, be myself.

So I am practicing gratitude. I am receiving God's grace in whatever form it comes to me, learning to accept who I am and value another person, without comparison. I have hope and joy again.

Also, I have a new blog post and a sermon for this Saturday!

I'd rather be journaling. . .

Blogging.
One more thing I think I should be doing, and sort of want to do. So to get from wishing to doing, here are all the reasons I don't blog.

I don't like sitting in front of the computer. The monitor is like a black hole sucking my brains and creativity and energy right out of my body. When I work at that desk for a few hours I generally feel like I wasted all that time.

Blogger doesn't publish the layout I want it to. I arrange my text and pictures how I think they will look nice on the blogsite. I preview it, which looks different from when I was creating it, and then publish it, and all 3 of those views are completely different! With the final version being the worst. This might not be a big deal if I only used one font, one photo, but that would look boring and normal and I want my stuff to be interesting and unique.

Nobody would read it. Or everyone would read it. In the first case I would be wasting my time, and in the unlikely event that lots of people would 'follow me', I would be obligated to continue blogging regularly and then I'd have to follow a zillion other bloggers and I would waste my whole day in front of the computer.

Comments to self:

I like my iPad. My son accuses me of being addicted to it. I resisted the whole empire of apple inc. for a long time, but resistance is futile, and I really like this thing! Yep, I'm typing on it now. In my comfy chair. (maybe it is the computer desk and chair I hate?)

I can switch to Wordpress, which involves learning a few new things, all of which require less time and effort than fretting about Blogger. I can just write in the default font (with bold and italic) and drop in one photo and let the content of what I write be the point of interest

I can reframe it as journaling, or as teaching- both of which I enjoy doing. Journaling is just for me, to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling and get myself unstuck and reoriented. (yes, that is my approach today, writing this blog instead of journaling.) Teaching is, for me, sharing good stuff I have learned and encouraging people to think or do something better- for their own benefit. I love a good discussion about things that matter to me, and I've entered into many interesting internet conversations on theOoze and Facebook.

So if those are my only "problems", they are easily overcome.


BUT Here is my real issue: I love my journals!


Blogging ISN'T journaling. It isn't just for my personal, private pondering. I can't just write my 3 pages of handwritten, stream-of-consciousness, soul-searching "morning pages" and publish that on the internet for the universe to see and comment on.

In my journal, I'm safe to grumble and ponder, struggle and pray, be boring or have flashes of inspiration. Nobody reads it, not even me most of the time, because the point is opening up and pouring myself onto the page. I can get real and vulnerable in those pretty notebooks. I don't care about the layout, or the language or my crappy penmanship.

My journal is me in my soft pajama pants and t-shirt with no bra, and messy hair and 2 mugs of coffee. Journaling has kept me sane and faithful and maybe saved my life, and certainly saved several relationships. For several years I keep a separate journal for prayers and spiritual devotions, now I just pray and ponder in the same notebook. I experimented with doodling along with writing for a bit, but a daily sketching discipline doesn't appeal to me.

I have rarely journaled every single day of the week, except when I first started working through "The Artists's Way", but I have regularly kept a journal for over 20 years. I have saved them all, even my journals from my teen years. However, I don't want anyone to read them until after I'm dead, or maybe never. My journals are private.

A blog is public.

So yeah, I want to blog. (And I should probably keep a sketchbook too.) But my 'first love' is journaling.

Last days of Spain vacation

We are on our way home!
Wish we had had one mor day in Barcelona, or energy to do more in the days we were there. . . But what a cool vacation this was!

We stayed in excellent hotels, thanks to our wonderful daughter's Starwood employee discount. The Palace in Madrid, W in Barcelona, and a Westin in Valencia.
Sharing a few photos . . .














Views from the 22nd floor in Barceloneta, W Hotel








The Westin Palace was a classic, luxurious hotel, with the best museums super-close. We sat under the stained glass dome and had wine and tapas, the best olives, and last night, a very fancy dinner.


Thank you Taren Buffington!














Great locations in each city, with superb beds and bathrooms. (yes, I did take home some of the special leaf-shaped soaps and fabulous bliss face-wash. Not allll the shampoos and soaps, just a few of my favorites. Oh, and the body butter..)













But I honestly am looking forward to sleeping in our own bed tonight!!! And using my special soaps in my own bathroom.


Oh wait, I forgot we have to fix the faucets in our bathroom sinks. Well, it will still be good to be home in 12 hours or so. Although I think we lose several hours, so I am already confused about the time.

Location:London, Heathrow Airport

Inner Sacred Space

This was the most beautiful building I have ever been inside. It was full of tourists, yet still felt sacred. They had reserved one of the chapels for prayer, and not photographing or looking. I sat and prayed, and tears camee to my eyes. Really special. I LOVE The stained glass in here !







































Photos can't capture it!

There is a website with virtual 360* photos, and they are breathtaking.

http://www.sagradafamili.cat/sf-eng/docs_instit/vvirtual.php?vv=1

http://www.sagradafamilia.cat/sf-eng/docs_instit/vvirtual.php?vv=1

But nothing compares to being in that space. So glad to be here today!



Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:la Sagrada Familia, Barcelona

Inside La Sagrada Familia

This was the most beautiful building I have ever been inside. It was full of tourists, yet still felt sacred. They had reserved one of the chapels for prayer, and not photographing or looking. I sat and prayed, and tears camee to my eyes. Really special. I LOVE The stained glass in here !












Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Barcelona

La Sagrada Familia

Begun as a classic gothic church, over 100 years ago, as a means to expiate for the sins of the city. . . Completely re-envisioned by Gaudi. He died in 1926, with the monumental construction work just started. But he got to see the first of what will be 12 (or 17?) towers completed.

There are 2 facades So far: one is about the nativity (birth of Jesus), all organic shapes, strangely beautiful.

I noticed an orchestra of angels, including one playing the bassoon.

A sea turtle supporting a massive column.

The slaughter of the boy babies of Bethlehem. . .
















































The opposite side represents the Passion (Jesus's last week, death and resurrection). The style of the sculpture and architecture is the opposite of the Nativity side. Here it is sharp, hard, squared-off forms. Abstracted, meant to look 'modern' - at that time. Totally different feeling and I thought it was much more powerful.

Jesus betrayed with a kiss, Peter grieving that he denied Jesus, the crucifixion, mourners at the tomb. . . There is a golden statue of the resurrected Christ, but he was covered up by protective mesh today.






-



















As soon as I finish my brownie and glass of red wine, I will show you some of the inside.

Location:Barcelona Spain

Rainy in Barcelona

Yesterday we walked and bussed around in a misty rain. Visited the Joan Miro museum. (his work is interesting, but not my favorite art). We hoped to ride an aerial cable card over the bay, but it was closed due to strong wind. But we did see the major landmarks in the city from the park where the Olympics were held.

This is a very, very international city. I love people watching. Unfortunately, I feel awkward taking photos of strangers. I am fascinated by all the variations on the human face and head. Of course there are a thousand different ways to dress, but it is interesting how many different sorts of noses and jawlines and eyebrows there are. People are sculpted by an artist of infinite skill, creative genius, and maybe twisted humor!

The W hotel is filled with 'beautiful people' of course. And many of them are truly, naturally beautiful. But even a plain or odd-looking person carries herself like a beautiful woman when she's wearing clothing that cost a thousand dollars!

Its fun to listen to all the different languages spoken around us. Conversations with waiters and people of other nationalities are generally in English. But the accents are of all different flavors.

Even if we stay in the hotel lobby for a couple hours, taking advantage of free wifi, we are hearing and seeing the whole world! Loving this vacation, rainy days and all.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Barcelona, Spain

Las Fallas

Last week we spent 2 nights in Valencia during their famous festival, Las Fallas. Groups of people have created dozens of statues, made of wood, paper mache, paint, and maybe other materials. But they look like things you would see at Disneyland, very elaborate and exaggerated.








































Some of these figures are HUGE- several stories tall! some are closer to life size. In the last 2 photos we watched a team do final assembly on a smaller set of figures, and I caught a glimpse of the plan they were working from. They take an enormous amount of work, creativity, and probably money.

. . . . And now they are all burned up!

Because on the last day of this festival. At midnight, they set every single one of these statues on fire, stuffing them with explosive firecrackers and celebrating as they turn into fire and then charred messes. (we were not in town for this part of the festival!)

I'm thinking about this as an artist, and as a follower of Jesus. It amazes me that people take such pride and joy in making something that will be seen for such a short time and then destroyed by fire. Although the burning is part of the process. Sort of bothers me. Each year, They choose one of the little figures to save and put in a museum, but everything else is gone.

As an artist, I think of the loss of an amazing thing, and it grieves me that that gorgeous samuri on his horse and the geisha who seemed less-than-impressed with him, they exist only in pictures and memories. We have seen artwork and architecture that is hundreds, even a thousand years old in this trip. But Las Fallas are more like Rose Parade floats than religious icons. (wouldn't people get a kick out of igniting the parade floats! But you could never do this in the US!) Their beauty is only intended for a few short days, although they take a year to design and build and decorate.

I have been making quite a few pieces in the last couple years that I show in various places, and this makes me happy. I have sold several pieces, and feel happy about this too. I know I am not making any real profit, making even enough to cover expenses, much less pay for my time and skill. But I don't regret selling my art. It motivates me to make more. And while I would freak out if they were burned up, I make ArtQuilts because I love the process -maybe as much as the product.

I was going to ponder the spiritual connotations too, but I need some coffee and there is a lot of Barcelona waiting to be explored!



Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:valencia